Wanted to, in the spirit of vulnerability, share this journal entry from this morning with you. To give context, I was sitting at a yummy restaurant here in Waco, Harvest on 25th, and I was surrounded by a bunch of pleasant distractions around me. One of which was a family, parents and two young boys. One was on a basketball team, one of which has a game today. I admired the mom and the way she interacted with her boys. Often times I don’t feel prepared or equipped to love my children in such a way. It reminded me of my sister, and how she so graciously offers help and conversation space to her kids. One of my fears is that selfishness will hold me back. That my life would be too important to me and I would force my children to the sidelines of my personal dreams and desires.
I feel ashamed in a way to share that publicly. But I hope I’m not the only one that feels this way. The idea of motherhood has frozen me in my mind for quite some time now. And Matt and I are in that season that it seems everyone is having 1-2 children. Some of our good friends are having twins which is a huge blessing in itself for them. But needless to say, the pressure to be a mom is seeming to be heightened in this season. Not to mention the grief of losing that flexibility with those friends. I felt like our young married community just faded away, and more quickly than we had hoped.
So back to that being context of what I am about to share. That is just one speck of the number of things that go through my mind on a daily basis. But I wanted to jump back into writing again and I felt frozen, and stuck. You’ll see the effects of it in this entry.
“Hey, it has been a hot minute… I can’t do this. I don’t know how to unwind/unwrap my mind. So what do I do, pick up my phone and cope or hide from these emotions/mindsets? That was my initial temptation here. I miss writing, the freedom that came and the revelation that poured into every post. I feel like I’ve lost that flavor, the dialect. I desire to deep dive into the abyss of my emotions and allow the lover of my soul to unravel the tangled mess that seems to debilitate me. Why do I care? Why do I place so much value in the thoughts of my peers and strangers who know no glimpse of my situation? The inner critic reminding me that any direction I turn is always the wrong one. But how can I climb out of this hallway of despair when it seems like there is no way up? And then I see those gracious eyes, the warmth of his presence. He’s here, again, to rescue me from the onslaught that is within my mind. He is everything and more. The peace that silences the storm within. He is the joy that brings life and light into my season. I can rest in his promise that I am his daughter, dearly loved in an unconditional way. Even when I try to bring my conditions and “good/right living” to him, He is quick and gentle in reminding me that it’s not about how I may look to others or to myself. It’s how he sees me and that is virtually different from the previously mentioned.”
You see, and after a few posts providing more context for these feelings, you will understand why I have been hesitant to blog. I’m not sure how to even begin at times. I have a difficult time even talking with Matt or God about the situations. I’ve wondered if therapy would be helpful in unpacking some of these beliefs and lies that I have been clinging to. At times, I look back at previous posts and am saddened. I miss that fired up girl, that woman that so fearlessly ran after the things of God and dove in headfirst. I fear that I have allowed trials and opinions to turn down my volume. As a result the shame and condemnation have held me back from jumping back into this hobby that I enjoy so much! I want to fight back and push through those norms that have made their attempt at growing.
Can the emotions of others in your household affect you? How do you become that thermostat, setting the temperature instead of just a thermometer that reads and adjusts to what is already happening? I know this is just for a season. Heck, it may even just be as a result of my hormones being out of balance again. Who knows.
We will discover it together with Jesus. Allowing him to unravel those places of pain, stubbornness, and insecurity. Let’s see what happens this year friend. And if you’re still reading this, thank you for sticking around. I pray that these will inspire and remind you that if you are feeling a similar way, that you’re not alone.
Much love, Denae